SPOILERS! (not really) SPOILERS! (not really)

Roy

Dec 27, 2017·2 min read

Whoop-dee-do! So now the world knows —

*cue spoilage*

• Princess YayYay’s uncle is Bo Seefus
• Lord Ramen was sucked into a hole
• Victor is a cad
• I Don’t Know’s on third
• Emperor Volks’ son is a Jetta
• Bob Ross had an Ewok farm
• Kee-Oui is a fruit
• Luke never loved Laura

Big hairy deal!

But can we talk about the big hairy deal?

What’cha hiding, Chewie?

What’cha got in that fanny pack?

I have a friend with inside connections who spilled the beans (he works a bean stand at Epcot).

Here’s the official scoop on original contents compared to what Mr. Bacca’s schleping around now:

Then (episodes IV through VI)

• small screws (leftover from hyperdrive “fix”)
• Visine
• something that may or may not be a pinky toe wrapped in a napkin
• dejarik handheld
• She-Hulk comic book
• photobooth prints from trip to waterpark (cross-eyed Han = classic)
• emery board
• mother’s “YOU are SPECIAL!” note discreetly tucked in bagged lunch
• a pretty rock
• Mike and Ike

Now (episodes who through cares)

• pepper spray
• eight photos of Han with Leia (asshole son cropped out)
• expired Ulta coupons
• coins from blown-up planet (worth something?)
• voice recorder for remembering things later
• condiment packets from various cantinas
• pocket-size laminated Serenity Prayer
• tiny magnifying glass
• baby wipes
• incomplete store greeter application