Star Wars Biggest Shocker!
Whoop-dee-do! So now the world knows —
- Princess YayYay’s uncle is Bo Seefus
- Lord Ramen was sucked into a hole
- Victor is a cad
- I Don’t Know’s on third
- Emperor Volks’ son is a Jetta
- Bob Ross had an Ewok farm
- Kee-Oui is a fruit
- Luke never loved Laura
Big hairy deal!
But can we talk about the big hairy deal?
What’cha hiding, Chewie?
What’cha got in that fanny pack?
I have a friend with inside connections who spilled the beans (he works a bean stand at Epcot).
Here’s the official scoop on original contents compared to what Mr. Bacca’s schleping around now:
Then (episodes IV through VI)
- small screws (leftover from hyperdrive “fix”)
- something that may or may not be a pinky toe wrapped in a napkin
- dejarik handheld
- She-Hulk comic book
- photobooth prints from trip to waterpark (cross-eyed Han = classic)
- emery board
- mother’s “YOU are SPECIAL!” note discreetly tucked in bagged lunch
- a pretty rock
- Mike and Ike
Now (episodes who through cares)
- pepper spray
- eight photos of Han with Leia (asshole son cropped out)
- expired Ulta coupons
- coins from blown-up planet (worth something?)
- voice recorder for remembering things later
- condiment packets from various cantinas
- pocket-size laminated Serenity Prayer
- tiny magnifying glass
- baby wipes
- incomplete store greeter application