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Star Wars Biggest Shocker!

SPOILERS! (not really) SPOILERS! (not really)

Whoop-dee-do! So now the world knows —

*cue spoilage*

  • Princess YayYay’s uncle is Bo Seefus
  • Lord Ramen was sucked into a hole
  • Victor is a cad
  • I Don’t Know’s on third
  • Emperor Volks’ son is a Jetta
  • Bob Ross had an Ewok farm
  • Kee-Oui is a fruit
  • Luke never loved Laura

Big hairy deal!

But can we talk about the big hairy deal?

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What’cha hiding, Chewie?

What’cha got in that fanny pack?

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I have a friend with inside connections who spilled the beans (he works a bean stand at Epcot).

Here’s the official scoop on original contents compared to what Mr. Bacca’s schleping around now:

Then (episodes IV through VI)

  • small screws (leftover from hyperdrive “fix”)
  • Visine
  • something that may or may not be a pinky toe wrapped in a napkin
  • dejarik handheld
  • She-Hulk comic book
  • photobooth prints from trip to waterpark (cross-eyed Han = classic)
  • emery board
  • mother’s “YOU are SPECIAL!” note discreetly tucked in bagged lunch
  • a pretty rock
  • Mike and Ike

Now (episodes who through cares)

  • pepper spray
  • eight photos of Han with Leia (asshole son cropped out)
  • expired Ulta coupons
  • coins from blown-up planet (worth something?)
  • voice recorder for remembering things later
  • condiment packets from various cantinas
  • pocket-size laminated Serenity Prayer
  • tiny magnifying glass
  • baby wipes
  • incomplete store greeter application
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"Hi. My name is Roy." - Now that just sounds stupid. (

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