Medium Confronts Congress

with its awesome new strategy and $5 value

Ample-Jowled Southern Politician Giving Three Siliconeheads a Case of the Butt-Puckers: Wooooeewoot! I‘ve been hearin’ y’all jabber yer half-answers and cockadoodies to our fist-shakin’ questions for five hours now. My melon’s smokin’ like a blackened brisket. I think we can rightly agree you may or may not be diabolical bastard people. Sound good?

Dorsey (Most Definitely Not Wearing Pants): Yes.

Zuck: <forehead illuminates sign of uncertainty>

Pichai: Whatever. We done? I really gotta boogie.

Politician: OK then. Time well spent. Let’s do this again soon.

Ev Williams: May I say something?

Politician: Sorry, who’s that?

EW: Ev Williams — I’m Big Tech and have I got news for you.

Politician: Alexa, who in thee hell is Ed Williams?

Alexa: Ed Williams is an American actor who played Ted Olsen on the TV series Police Squad and in The Naked Gun films.

Politician: Hold up folks! I love me some Liam Nielsen. He’s a rootin’ tootin’ riot. Go ahead with the funny, Ed!

EW: Here at Medium, we’re no longer pouring cash into content nobody wants to read, and by that I mean high quality content regular people can’t mentally appreciate, but that’s neither here nor there.

<a pet degu has emerged from Dorsey’s beard>

EW: After noodling over things for a few years and eyeballin’ the company ledger, I now plan to redirect resources to support independent writers. And by that I mean the ones I don’t censor.

<all eyes are fixed on a degu gently swinging from a nose ring>

EW: HEY! I’m controversial too!

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