LinkedIn: Now with Esteem-Roller™

helpful birthday reminders / humiliating kicks to the crotch


Hey— let’s congratulate that quiet, pale kid you went to high school with. Remember? The one who hung out in the math lab, putzing around on that Apple IIe while you spent quality time in the john primping that Duran Duran coif so Denise Wuzzername would notice the fluttery winged perfection.

Yeah, well the quiet kid sold his software company years ago. He married Denise and just had an eco-friendly water park added to his multi-acre estate so he can watch his kids frolic with trained manatees.

Lost the girl and your hair.



Guess what? Remember the girl you beat in that debate match to nab the state trophy during your senior year?

You should really congratulate her for making senior partner with that Memphis firm. If it wasn’t for you, she might not have been hyper-motivated to complete law school cum laude and totally scorch the bar exam. Sure, scuba diving with clients in the Caymans gets old, but it’s always nice to return home to her beautiful family and pet manatee.

Don’t get down on yourself. Parliamentary procedure serves you well when going toe-to-toe with your internet provider over spotty service.


Oo — you’ll like this one! Remember the rich kid who transferred to your high school from Houston during junior year? (I think his name was Dallas.) He showed up uninvited to your summer We Seniors Now bash and “borrowed” your Romantics cassette. He moved to Austin and you never saw him or your tape again.

Well, he’s doing just fine having drank his way through college to land a primo corner-office opportunity at his dad’s investment firm. You’ll be happy to know he’s celebrating his tenth successful Ponzi scheme by taking the family skiing in Zurich. (They’ll put the manatee up in a kennel.)

You’ll never see that kind of money, but at least you’ve got integrity.

That’s what I like about you.


You’re not gonna believe this! Remember the redneck who threatened to kick your ass after school because you shot him that disapproving look when he depospitted a pint of tobacco juice on your Adidas? If he hadn’t been serving life in detention, he probably would’ve made good on his promise to break in his Tony Lamas doing the Cotton-Eyed Joe on your spine.

After graduation and several years of coming dangerously close to employment, your mesh-cap wearin’ friend committed to professional poker. Last we heard, he hit it big in one of them there high stakes cham-peen-ships out in Vegas.

He owns several man-tees.

They’re all sleeveless.

Think about it: While you were slaving over homework, he was mastering Texas Hold ’Em with the PE teacher in detention.

School is really what you make of it, wouldn’t you agree?


Last one for today. Promise!

Remember your friend in school who liked reading stuff you wrote?

You’d share notes in class and she’d giggle quietly so as to not call attention.

You did that silly comic she liked to read. What was it again? Captain Potato?

Did you know she’s on LinkedIn?

She works in HR and lives in Connecticut with her husband and two daughters.

And dog.

Thirty years is a long time.

Maybe you should catch up.

Thought you could use a break.

"Hi. My name is Roy." - Now that just sounds stupid. (

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