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up yours, Scholastic

Hi, folx*!

Roy here —just your average Gen-X skeleton out to make the world a better place like everyone else: through force.

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reclaim your brain / reclaim your kids

I sent my 80-year young father an Amazon Echo for Christmas.

HA! Just kidding.

He sent one to me.

Not kidding.

“Don’t wait! Open it as soon as you get it! You’ll love it!” exclaimed the raving brainwashed cultist formerly known as the man who rode Betamax to 2002.

“Will do, Dad!” I gleefully responded, thumbs way up.

The box arrived yesterday. I eagerly carried it into the house, secretively retreated to the garage and drop-kicked that little bitch to a dank, dark corner for a pleasant round of robot torture.

“Welcome to hell, cyberpunk. …

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Episode 5: Pepper’s Slumber Party of Horror

Pepper and Diesel are neighbors who like to dig deep holes in hopes of unearthing unmarked burial grounds courtesy of some unscrupulous property developer.

It’s a stormy weekend and Diesel will be spending the night while his owner leaves for a weekend fishing trip.

Young Pepper is so excited to be hosting her first slumber party that she’s not disturbed in the slightest knowing her only guest is a 10-year old male requiring prescription kibble to keep his own flatulence from waking him up at night.

A Guest Arrives

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why oh why oh why

Double $&@* and %@# wrapped around a #@*ing maypole!

I’m so angry I can spit!

Ever seen a skeleton spit? It’s like a dry no-contact headbutt.

Disturbing and sad.

But what I crave more than a salivary gland donor is for more peePO to hop on the Common Sense Trolley to come join us here in Greater Good Mannersville.

, you mockingly ask with your fancy Trader Joe tobacky and classy Crate and Barrel spittoon.

Well lemme tell ya…

Stop Sharing Rocks!

I work with a gaggle of youngish folk who will DIE if they don’t receive praise every seventeen minutes of the day. …

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but deactivated my Twitter account instead

Everywhere I turn, I keep hearing about this pliffle.

~ MSN Lifestyle
ventriloquist dummy tapping on my bedroom window at 3:33AM



Self care

Self caaaaaaarrrre


seff kare

suff kate

Ya ever write a word a bunch of times and it just doesn’t look right? These letters are nothing but alien hieroglyphs* that have me cocking my head like a hunchbacked beagle.

[*hieroglyphs are old…

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blame USPS

Hi. Hey, thanks for reaching out. Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Like I told Mark last month, I’d been taking some well-deserved, self-imposed, high-quality bathroom time. (Stress had me really backed up). My strict zero-tech potty policy means no texts or emails. Nope. When I make, I’m committed to only one outbound.

No sooner had I freshened up from cross training when my suddenly distressed wife told me we had to pack up and skedaddle down to Orlando toot sweet to aid her parents who’d been laid up with some non-Covid health issues.

Summer? …



"Hi. My name is Roy." - Now that just sounds stupid. (

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